With You, I Have Everything
by Allora Gale
Summary: I had come to the conclusion years ago that I would never have a mate. I didn't deserve one after all the things I've done. And even if there were one, it wouldn't be this innocent pixie. Companion piece to Without You, There's Nothing. Jasper POV J/A
1. Chapter 1

Well, I'm back. You can all thank wicked lovely gypsy for this piece. I'd never considered writing this from Jasper's POV until she suggested it. That being said, despite all my rambles on my profile about completing my stories before uploading them, this is still incomplete. I have it about halfway done, though from the looks of it, it's going to be a longer story from the one from Alice's POV. It's really boring just writing the same scenes over again, so I'm thinking about adding more that weren't featured in Alice's version.

Also, at the beginning of every chapter there will be a quote from a song that inspired me to write this. I wish I'd thought of this for Alice's version, because there were a lot of great songs that motivated me to write that piece. But I don't want to go back now and alter it, so it's going to stay as it is and only Jasper's version will have the songs.

In any case, I hope you all enjoy this and remember that I love to hear from you. Let me know what you think.

~Allora

* * *

_I gave up long ago  
Painting love with crimson flow  
Ran out of blood and hope  
So I paint you no more _

Sleepwalking Past Hope - HIM

"Come with us, Jasper. You need to hunt." Charlotte prodded.

I shook my head the barest fraction of an inch and resumed examining the dirt under my fingernails. I couldn't bear the thought of another hunt; of another life extinguished by my hellish need for blood. I couldn't bear feeling my victim's fear and pain even one more time. No, I would starve myself to death. And if that wouldn't work, I would starve myself until I was weak enough that someone could kill me and end my suffering.

A tinge of frustration rippled off Charlotte, though she tried to hide it well beneath her concern for me. "Jasper, whatever it is that's eating you, you need to get over it. You're going to die if you keep this up."

Ah, if only I was that lucky. Well, one could hope.

"Just leave him be, Charlotte." Peter said softly but firmly. Our fearless leader . . . my best friend.

Charlotte sighed discontentedly but didn't argue. A little flicker of anger at her mate rippled off her but she squashed it quickly. I ignored it and went back to the morose examination of my nails. These hands had seen so much blood . . . had shed so much blood.

I watched them go, hand in hand, and forced down the surge of jealousy that threatened to overtake me. I would never have that, there would never be one for me. I had commit far too many heinous crimes to deserve to be loved by anyone. But Peter had found love, I tried to argue with myself. But I had done so much worse things than Peter had. I pushed the thought from my mind. There would never be one for me.

It would be dawn in a few short hours, then we would be moving to a new location. I didn't really care where, it was all beginning to blur together. I leaned back against the wide boulder behind me and sighed discontentedly, contemplating the best way to end my life. The Volturi were always an option but . . . there were stories about when the Volturi purged the south. I shuddered. Nothing scared me, except the wrath of the Volturi. They were ruthless when angered in a way not even the wars could replicate.

There had to be someone else. Peter would never do it, I don't know if he even could. I was abnormally talented at combat. Maybe Peter and Charlotte together could manage it, but they probably wouldn't. And I wouldn't want to hurt them. If there was one thing I knew about myself, it was that I wouldn't go down without a fight. Whoever ended me had to best me. I wasn't going to just lay down and take it, no matter how much I wanted to die.

Perhaps I could run into and anger a large coven. I almost laughed, large coven indeed. The only large "covens" I knew about were the Southern armies and the Volturi. Hmm, the South had potential. I could just walk into Guadalajara, they knew my face well enough there to want to kill me. How many newborns would it take to bring me down, I wondered. Four, I guessed, maybe five depending on how skilled they were.

But again, there were Peter and Charlotte to factor into the equation. They would stop me if I began journeying south. No matter how much they liked me, there was still the underlying fear that I was here on Maria's behalf. They had too much to lose if their location was betrayed to her. They couldn't risk letting me go south. Of course, Maria would be just as angry with me as she was with Peter if we ever crossed paths again. But she'd probably just try to re-recruit me, instead of killing me. My gift was far to valuable to her for her to want to permanently dispose of me.

I could hear Peter and Charlotte approaching, I must have lost track of time again. It was happening a lot lately, either that or they were leaving me alone less often. That could be it. I didn't really care, let them worry.

"I bet you he's still in the same spot we left him." Charlotte whispered frustratedly. She'd never been one for a stealthy approach and constantly misjudged my hearing range.

Peter said nothing until they came into view seconds later. "Are you ready to leave, my friend?" He asked, looking cheerful and crimson eyed. I tried not to think about the blood that was now coursing through his veins. I tried not to think about the smell of it emanating off my friends. I tried not to think about the red hot burn in my throat.

"Of course."

It was mid-afternoon when we came upon the lake. The late autumn sun was beating down on the hundreds of sunbathers and swimmers enjoying one of the last opportunities to suck up the suns rays before winter set in. We skirted around the cleared picnicking area, keeping ourselves hidden in the shadows of the trees as we continued on our way, slowed to human speed as a precaution on the off chance that we were seen.

We were almost in the clear, almost past the crowded beach and able to speed up again when a football lodged itself in a tree to my right. I stopped mid-stride and stared at it, lifting it easily from the branches it was caught in.

"Hey, want to toss that back here?" A voice called through the few trees that separated us from the beach area. It was two boys, maybe seventeen years old. The burn in my throat spiked to an all time high. They weren't that far away. I could be done with the one almost before the other realized what was happening, definitely before the boy could alert someone else as to what was going on.

I breathed their scents in deeply, they smelled like suntan oil and lake water. I ought to have known myself better by now. Sure, thoughts of abstaining from blood were all well and good, but putting those thoughts into action left me somewhat wanting. I was weak, a creature who had been instantly gratified in every aspect of life for nearly a century.

Venom pooled in my mouth as I turned to the boys, rapidly studying them. I would save the one on the left for second, I decided, he was the smaller of the two, but looked more aggressive. Perhaps he would try to fight me as I drained his friend of life. That would make it easier on us all. If the little bugger took off to try to get help, it would make things more complicated.

The football was ripped from my grasp and hurled back at the boys the same moment Peter and Charlotte's restraining hands closed over my biceps. A low, feral growl tore from my lips before I could stifle it, one which Peter responded to in kind – trying to re-exert his dominance over me.

"Thanks." One of the boys called, waving with the football in hand as my coven-mates pulled me further back into the trees.

"Have you gone fucking mad?" Peter hissed in my ear. "It's broad daylight out and theres a hundred people milling around out there. Or did you forget about them?"

I didn't reply, keeping what was a brooding, moody – but hopefully dignified – silence. Peter was right, of course. It would have been reckless to hunt those boys in broad daylight when anyone could have stumbled upon us. But I would never admit that to him. As much as I liked Peter, I chafed under his leadership. It wasn't in me to follow, and certainly not to follow one weaker than myself. I had trained Peter myself, I'd taught him everything he knew – but not everything _I _knew. To be subordinate to him was, in all honesty, humiliating.

I had gone from Major Jasper Whitlock in my human life to Jasper of Monterrey, Maria of Monterrey's general and right hand man to . . . nothing. I could have fought Peter for the right to rule, of course, but then I would be a leader of nothing as I would, no doubt, have to kill Charlotte as well. I doubted she would take too kindly to the death of her mate. And I was still adverse to killing Peter, the closest thing I'd had to a friend in this life.

So I swallowed my pride a little and followed mutely behind Peter and Charlotte as they quickened their pace and continued on their way. Let him think that I had submitted to him if it would grant him peace of mind. The furious anger rolling off him was doing nothing to calm me, or to lessen my thirst which was currently wracking my throat with hellfire.

Maybe it was good that he had stopped me. I could pretend the incident had never happened and cling onto my self-righteous plan of abstinence. I had not tasted so much as a drop of blood in over a month now. Maybe I didn't really need it. Now that the temptation was gone, the humans already miles behind us, I was sure I'd be able to resist it. I'd been managing my thirst for weeks now, I could keep it up now. I just had to keep out of temptation's way.

Simple enough, in theory.

Peter's anger didn't eb over the hours I followed him mutely through forest. It was foolish of him. The only person who knew more about my gift than he did was Maria. He knew how his anger would effect me. I resisted it at first, forcing myself to exude calm, both at myself and at him, which earned me a sharp rebuff. I targeted only myself, but after hours of being constantly barraged by waves of hostility, it eventually wore through.

By the time darkness fell, I was inwardly seething, easily as angry as he was. And annoyed. Annoyed that he wasn't being a better leader for his coven. His anger was a sign of weakness – something I – or anyone else, for that matter - could exploit if I wished. A good leader refused to show weakness in front of his coven. I had never shown weakness in front of Maria's army . . . except once. Except for the time I had let Peter and Charlotte escape without pursuit.

No, that hadn't been weakness. That had been something else. Apathy maybe, or affection. I would have killed them, and I definitely could have, but there was no real need. They were leaving, they weren't about to come back and make trouble for Maria when she'd ordered them dead. Did Peter know that his name had been last on the list, I wondered? It was irrelevant now. I hadn't wanted to kill him, but I would have if he hadn't taken the initiative for self-preservation. It hadn't been weak to let him go. In some ways I had respected him, respected the way he'd been able to take his fate into his own hands. And their departure had been discreet, more or less.

My thoughts were interrupted by two, foreign hostile, but tentative, emotional auras coming towards us to head us off. I didn't recognize them, in short they were no one that I knew or had met before, but they were definitely vampires and the emotions they were emanating were familiar enough. It would come to a fight, if they thought they would win. These strangers were violent opportunists. They would have done well in Mexico, probably. We would see.

I didn't warn Peter and Charlotte of our inevitable meeting. It would make it more interesting if they were surprised for once. They were getting sloppy and out of training. If they'd been like this in Mexico, Peter would never have made it to his third year. He glared at me when he caught their scent a minute later, which I returned with an eager smirk. We would see if these strangers were good enough to take down Jasper of Monterrey. I smiled at the thought of the impending confrontation.

No, I didn't miss the fighting in the south. I didn't miss the wars, but I was a soldier. I had always been and would always be a soldier. And a soldier needed a challenge every once in a while. And a true soldier wouldn't go down without a fight, without meeting the challenge to the best of his ability. Maybe these strangers would be the ones to finally put me out of my misery. I'm sure Peter and Charlotte wouldn't grieve too much.

They broke through the trees ahead of us, two males, both massive hulking figures with more brawn than brain, it seemed. I hoped I was wrong. It would take more than sheer strength to take me down. I liked the look of the one on the left, he was the biggest, an inch or two taller than his companion, and had a thoughtful, calculating look in his eyes.

"Greetings, Friends." Peter said politely but firmly, making it clear that he didn't want to fight them. A sneer rose to my lips almost against my will. _I_ wanted to fight them. I wanted to test my mettle against the two brutes.

They examined us each carefully before they responded. I noticed that they dismissed Charlotte as a threat almost immediately. It would be to their disadvantage if it came to a fight. I had trained Charlotte myself, and fought by her side in countless battles. Yes, she was small and fragile looking, but she was lethal and ruthlessly efficient, exactly how I had taught her to be. The strangers examined Peter longer, their eyes zeroing in on the few scars visible above his collar. One of the remarkable things about Charlotte was that she had escaped her year in Maria's service relatively unscathed. Peter and I hadn't been so lucky.

I grinned viciously when their gazes turned to examine me. The smaller of the two took an instinctive half-step back before he reigned in his reaction and set his face in a carefully neutral expression. "Greetings." He replied, his voice a careful monotone. "I'm Henry and this is my brother Charles."

Yes, the familial resemblance was obvious. They were biological brothers. Someone had changed them both when they'd been human. They had the same nose and obviously the same build.

"I'm Peter. This is my mate Charlotte and our friend Jasper." Peter said carefully polite.

I shook my head at him. He was losing it. He was being submissive to them despite holding the advantage of skill and numbers. Henry and Charles picked up on it immediately, the bigger oaf smirked a little.

"Do you plan to stay in the area long?" Henry asked.

"No. We're just passing through. Headed towards the Rockies, actually." Peter answered peaceably.

"We just came from that way." Henry replied.

"Followed by a path of charred corpses, no doubt." I sneered despite myself.

For a half a second no one spoke as they all took in my breach of authority.

"I'm not sure what your _friend_ means by insulting us." Henry said sharply to Peter, effectively dismissing me. But his eyes were narrowed and the larger, silent one was flexing his hands, getting ready for a fight.

I couldn't wait for it to come.

"I apologize on his behalf. We mean you nothing but peace." Peter appeased quickly, but I could feel the black anger rippling on him. I'm not sure why, but I decided to push it.

"Or he does, in any case." I murmured with a daring smirk.

The strangers turned their eyes on me again, Henry issued a low growl at me that was mirrored by Peter. Maybe they'd all turn on me. Four on one, two of which I knew were accomplished at combat. Those were odds I liked.

"Jasper!" Charlotte hissed angrily.

And that was all it took. The strangers backed off immediately and I felt the very instant their anger turned to trepidation. Sure, I was being insubordinate. Sure, I was trying to thrust my coven into a violent altercation. But we weren't afraid of it. Even Charlotte, as small and fragile as she looked, wasn't afraid of entering into a confrontation with the two hulking strangers. She was just furious that I was trying to make her. She'd left that life behind her. She hated the fight, not to say she wasn't good at it.

"We'll be going." Henry said darkly, trying to keep his sudden apprehension hidden. I smirked. That was one thing he couldn't hide from me.

We watched mutely as they fled past us, continuing on their way to wherever it was they had been headed. No one moved until they were well beyond earshot. Then Peter turned on me, his face livid.

"What the hell is your problem, Jasper?" He hissed as he stalked towards me. "First you damn near expose us all on that beach and now you're trying to draw us into a conflict with a couple of nomads! I don't care if you can feel every measly iota to emotion coming off them, you are hunting tonight."

"I want to see you make me, Peter." I scowled.

"We can do this an easy way or a hard way. Now, I _will_ bleed one of them right in front of you. And I know what you like in a meal." He threatened.

_This_ was what he asked of me? _This_ was what he wanted me to do? Because he thought he was my superior? Because he thought it was well within the bounds of his authority to demand it, _this _is what he wanted from me? To just hand him over the last ragged shreds of my moral integrity? Unlikely. Beyond unlikely. Instead, I snarled.

"You have no right to make such demands." I hissed at him. I was _not_ hunting tonight. I was not going to just give in after my close call this afternoon. I was not going to accept that one near-miss suddenly voided my determination.

"And you have no right to put my coven in danger." Peter retorted angrily.

"When, I wonder, did I ever put _your coven_ in danger? Or are you so inept at combat now that those mindless nomads would have been able to best you? Where did your pride go, Peter?" I demanded.

"My pride?" He snarled angrily. "We never loved the fight, Jasper. There was no pride in what we did for Maria. _That_ was sheer barbarianism. But if you miss that kind of brainless savagery, maybe you never should have left Mexico. I _will not_ engage my coven in pointless conflicts with strangers for your amusement. And you are going to hunt tonight."

I clenched my teeth together and already I could feel the venom pooling in my mouth as it always did before a fight. "I will not."

He dove at me then, his hand closing over my elbow as he sank his teeth into my shoulder. I stifled my gasp of surprise and deftly threw him off of me. A direct attack from Peter after a monologue about how he hates to fight was the last thing I was expecting. Not that I hadn't been hoping and praying for it for months now.

I didn't give him a chance to recover as I threw myself at him, ignoring the acidic burning of his venom in my shoulder as best as I could. My teeth sought his throat out immediately and with practiced ease they found it. As my teeth sank into his skin, Charlotte shrieked furiously and the familiar revulsion rose up in me as I tasted the flesh of my own kind. It was _that_ which stopped me, not the way Charlotte flung herself at me to protect her mate.

What the hell was I doing? Why was I even here with them? There was no drive in this kind of life. There was no destination to their mindless wanderings. There was no _purpose_ here. I didn't need them and they quite obviously didn't need me. This wasn't a joining of convenience. I sure as hell didn't need them. I didn't need Peter with his failed attempts at dominance. I didn't need Charlotte and her constant worrying. I didn't need them. I didn't need anyone. In fact, it would probably be a lot better without them. Without having to manage all their petty emotions as well as my own. No, I didn't need them.

I released Peter and shoved Charlotte off me where she had latched onto my back before taking a wide step back. I rose my hands, somewhere between a gesture of surrender and a wave goodbye before I turned my back on them and left.

* * *

AN:

So there's the first chapter. I know it starts kind of . . . . angsty, but I wanted to begin his tale with the conflict with Charlotte and Peter that I mentioned in Alice's version. Alice makes her appearance in the next chapter, so I hope you'll all stick around that long. Thank you for reading.

~Allora


	2. Chapter 2

AN:

Wow. I was a little overwhelmed by the response to this. I got home from work the day after I uploaded this and had 17 alerts in my email from people who had flagged this story for alert or favorites or both and reviews. Which is a lot for my stories which have never been way up there on the review scale. So I'm very very pleased and I was going to wait a week before I uploaded the next chapter. But, like always, I got excited and rushed. So here it is.

I hope you all enjoy it and thank you so much for reading.

~Allora

* * *

_And then in the strange way things happen_

_Their roles were reversed from that day_

_The hunted became the huntress_

_The hunter became the prey._

Conquest – White Stripes

Where the Hell was I now? I turned my eyes on the dismal city around me before glared up at the cloud covered sun. I still hated the sun. I hated being out during the day and for more than the obvious threat of exposure should I inadvertently blind half a city block if the sun peeked out from behind a cloud. When it was sunny – scratch that - when it was day time, there were exponentially more people out and about. But what else was I going to do during the day? Quite frankly, lurking in a heavily wooded area every day was boring. So I risked it on cloudy days and went out during the day, despite the danger.

I was still firmly set in my regimented abstinence, despite a few slip ups. Like the night I'd left Peter and Charlotte. Perhaps his words had been prophetic rather than a demand, because sure enough, the first town I came upon, the first human I'd stumbled across, had the unfortunate fate of becoming my dinner. And again, a month and a half later there had been another, similar incident. But this time, I was coming up on two months without a lapse in control.

In any case, it made it much more difficult to control myself when I was out in the day and had to rub shoulders with the humans, so to speak. Of course that was mostly a blatant overstatement. They generally crossed the street when they saw me coming as the small vestiges of their instinct for survival kicked in. If one of them ever did have the unfortunate luck to actually come into physical contact with me, I'm sure the Volturi would be after me within a couple of days.

But that hadn't happened. I hoped it never would, because if I feared anything, it was the Volturi's wrath. I would probably rather feel the emotions of a thousands human at once as I killed them than face Volturi punishment.

I looked up and glared at the sky again as I felt the first raindrops begin to fall. Of course it would rain. Of course God would take this rare opportunity where it was actually safe for me to be outside in the day and ruin it with rain. Not that the rain actually bothered me that much, but a strange man standing on the road in the rain would probably draw unwanted human attention.

I would have to find cover. My first preference would have been some hidden lair where I could spend the day planning tactical advances. That was the part I'd loved of my old life, when Maria and I would spend hours together scheming against our enemies. I just hadn't been able to bear the other parts, the way I'd been turned into some sort of automated killing machine, like a garbage disposal for vampires. Which may not have been so bad, if I hadn't been able to feel for myself every subtle change in their fear and hatred and despair.

But that was all far behind me now. I couldn't go back now, even if I'd wanted to. I wasn't that man anymore. Of course, if I wasn't feared and loathed Jasper of Monterrey, I wasn't exactly sure who I was. But it wasn't him. That Jasper had had ambition and drive and purpose. This Jasper had none of those things. This Jasper was just . . . existing, despite my dearest desire to find someone to finish me off.

The diner across the street would have to do, owing to the lack of hidden lairs around here. I hoped it wasn't crowded. I sloshed across the street, the gutters already filling with murky rainwater and litter.

And there she was, sitting with her back towards me, bent over the counter. The moment I opened the door I knew what she was. The moment I stepped out of the cold, fresh rain and into the warm, dry, human smelling establishment, I could pick out her scent. Go figure that I'd find one of my kind in a human food establishment. But what the Hell was she doing here? And why the Hell couldn't my life be easy? If God wanted me to run into another vampire, why on earth couldn't it be a big, mean one with a penchant for killing everyone it came across?

She'd noticed me now. Honestly, I could have killed her three times by now if I'd been in the mood. Her head snapped up from her determined examination of the counter top when she noticed my scent and she slowly slipped off her barstool and turned around, her face betraying nothing but astonished surprise. Yeah, I couldn't say I wasn't surprised to see her here too.

Her eyes flitted over my face, as though she were looking for something specific. It seemed to be the scars on my throat and I barely stifled my instinctive reaction to growl at her. Instead, I glared menacingly. I could kill her, of course I could, but not here. Not in front of the six humans in the building. Though I had to admit that they weren't that much of an obstruction. They would be easy to dispose of after I'd taken care of her.

And then she smiled at me. Smiled rather stupidly, I might add. What was wrong with her? No one smiled at me. No one but Peter or Charlotte and this girl was neither of them. I tested the climate of the room around me and nearly stepped back in surprise when I felt her. But that couldn't be her. Those emotions, that relief and happiness and hope was entirely incongruous with the situation at hand.

But I didn't step back. I didn't move at all. I knew better than to concede any advantage to anyone. I knew better than to reveal what I could do to her. So instead I watched her cautiously, prepared for any sudden movements.

"You've kept me waiting a long time." She said softly, though there was veiled excitement and anxiety in it. I was glad for the later. I wasn't used to being approached as though I wasn't intimidating. But what the Hell did one say that? There was absolutely zero hostility radiating off her. I wish there was, I was good at hostile conversations. I was not so good at being civil, and I still wasn't sure why she wanted me to be. And what the Hell did she mean that I'd kept her waiting? I'd never met her before in my life. I studied her closely, and was absolutely positive I'd never met anyone who even looked remotely like her. Not the short, spiky brown hair. Not the pixie-like face. Not those unnerving amber eyes. She was completely foreign to me.

"I'm sorry, ma'am." I murmured as I bowed my head slightly, drawing off hazy, faded memories of my human life. That was the last time I'd been civil.

Her smiled softened, but not in a way that seemed she was disappointed with me. It simply turned from manically excited to tender and apprehensive. And then she held out her hand to me.

I stared at it for a second. What the Hell was she doing? Every instinct in my body was screaming at me to refuse the gesture. To destroy her or flee from her. But there was something in her face, or was it the frantic desperation she was feeling, that made it seem like her entire existence was hinged on my taking her hand.

I reached out tentatively and set my hand in hers, her soft, silken fingers wrapped gently around mine. How long had it been since someone had had the gall to touch me like this? How long had it been since I had had any physical contact without feeling the need to destroy the offending person? Years. Decades. I couldn't remember.

She led me back out of the diner and it wasn't until I felt the first raindrops on my face that I realized I'd completely and utterly surrendered dominance to her. No, we were two individuals. Equals. I was not being submissive to her, I was merely following. Nonetheless, I dropped her hand as soon as she began to slow down. Now to figure out just who the Hell she was and what she wanted from me.

Maybe she was like me, I mused, and just looking for someone to finish her off. That would explain her apparent lack of an instinct for survival. Didn't she understand that she was safest where others could see her, where we had to maintain our human charades? But no, she'd taken me to a secluded little niche in the woods.

"I mean you no offense, but who are you?" I asked cautiously. There was still no sign of hostility in her emotions, she was just . . . happy?

"Mary Alice Brandon." She replied at once with a smile.

Great. Just what I needed; another Maria. I grimaced.

"What's wrong?" She asked quickly and I was blasted by a wave of frantic panic and fear coming off of her.

Why did what I thought of her name matter so much to her? I shrugged, "Nothing. I like the Alice part." I said. And I did. It had a familiar sort of ring to it. I think someone I knew when I was human had been called Alice. My sister maybe? Had I had a sister?

"I can be Alice. For you, I can be anything."

I couldn't stop the look of surprise that crossed my face. What? What the Hell was going on here? And then she blundered on, instantly alerting me to danger.

"But who are you? If you don't mind me asking, sir." She added perfunctorily at the end. My eyes narrowed as I carefully examined her emotions. She still wasn't exhibiting any hostility, only excitement and joy and anticipation.

"I thought you knew me already." I said suspiciously. After all, why would you tell someone you've been waiting for them if you didn't know them?

"I know you're face." She murmured as she reached to caress my cheek. I flinched out of the way and resisted the urge to break her hand off. She frowned and hit me with a wave of emotional anguish before continuing. "I've seen it for years. In visions. For as long as I remember, I have known your face. But there is no name that I can tag to it."

Visions? She was a God damned fortune teller! There had been one in Mexico City and it had taken nearly five of us to finally kill him, owing to the fact that he could foresee every move we made. No wonder she seemed to wander through the world without a concern. She'd have fair warning of anything coming at her.

"Jasper Whitlock." I answered gruffly. If she could see the future, did she know what I could do? Is that why I could only feel happy emotions coming off her? Was she blocking her true emotions from me?

"Jasper." She murmured with a small smile as she watched me closely. I closely examined her face, trying to discover any incongruent expressions. But there was nothing to give her away. Either she was a very good actor, or she was actually very happy to see me. The later seemed unlikely.

"Why did you see me? What was the purpose of your visions? What are you supposed to do?" I demanded.

And there it was. Hesitation. Trepidation. And sympathy. My anger flared at the last as I wracked my mind trying to figure out who had sent her. Was it Maria? That would explain why Alice hadn't attacked me yet. Maria would want to recruit me again. If she thought she could lure me back to that hell hole with a pretty face, she had another thing coming. But this lacked the flair Maria favored. No, if Maria knew where I was, she would have come herself. Especially with her talent. It had to be someone else.

I doubted Peter and Charlotte cared enough. They were probably just glad to be rid of me. Someone else from Mexico maybe? I had plenty of enemies in every city I had ever visited. It could have been any one of them. No, it wasn't _who_ had sent her that was important. It was _why_.

She turned her back to me and I squashed the urge to kill her now. I needed her for information first. "Why?" I demanded harshly as I grabbed her elbow and jerked her back around to face me. She was surprised and a little afraid, and I felt the twinge of pain in her emotions that she was trying to hide from me.

"To love you." She said softly with disappointment and sorrow.

I felt like I had been slapped. That was impossible, I thought, as I dropped her arm and stepped away from her. Completely and utterly impossible. A joke maybe? And then a little voice of pride and possessiveness spoke up inside me. I had a fortune teller. Whatever God or Fate had written out the pattern of my life had given me a fortune teller for a mate. A mate . . .

No. No, I didn't deserve one. Not after everything I'd done. And she looked so . . . innocent. It would have made sense for me to have a mate that was more like me. Maybe someone who had also fought in the Southern Wars. Someone who knew cruelty. Like Peter and Charlotte. Not _her_.

Waves of sorrow and mortification and disappointment crashed over me as I realized how much I'd hurt her. I didn't like it. I didn't like the way it felt when she was upset. I felt _guilty_ for rejecting her that way. But it could never ever work, no matter how determined she might be. No matter how many times she might have seen it. The future could be changed – would be changed. Because any kind of future that stuck me with her was overwhelmingly unfair.

"I'm sorry." I said softly as I examined her arm for damage. I could only imagine how bad I would feel if I'd actually hurt more than her feelings. Well, if I'd left lasting evidence that I'd hurt her. I had already hurt her physically, even though she'd tried not to show it. "For hurting you. And for hurting your feelings."

"I'm fine." She muttered and I didn't need to have my gift to feel the insincerity of it. She was examining her feet, refusing to look at me. I didn't like that either.

"Alice." I began, mostly just wanting her to look at me. I ignored the little rush that rose up inside me as her name passed my lips. It was a mistake. She wasn't actually my mate. It was all just a misunderstanding. "Why on earth would you choose to love someone as monstrous as myself?" I asked.

"I don't see a monster." She said, pouting out her lower lip.

My breath would have caught in my throat if I hadn't been so practiced at keeping my face neutral and I forcibly squashed down the urge to kiss her soft pink lips. She still hadn't looked at me, so I made her, lifting her chin so she had to face me. The urge to kiss her fought it's way back up, but I resisted. She didn't see a monster? Was she blind? "Look at me, please. Just for a moment, really look at me and see me. I'm not any sort of prince or gentleman."

I wasn't a fairytale hero. In fact, I was about the furthest thing from a hero, far more akin to the villain. She was going to be severely disappointed if that was what she was expecting from me.

She frowned at me, her eyebrows knitting together in determination. "I _do_ know you, Jasper. Better than you see yourself, I think. But we don't have to talk about this now. I didn't want to talk about this now, like this. You don't know me at all and definitely not enough to want me too, yet."

I managed not to laugh in her face. She knew me? She knew nothing about me. But telling her that would probably hurt her feelings, which was an emotion I couldn't bear coming off of her. So I went along with it, ignoring the part of my mind that wanted to examine more closely why I cared what she was feeling. "Then what now?"

"We find the Cullen's" She said immediately, exuding confidence and surety in every pore of her body. No doubt this was also something she had seen. Nevertheless, I wasn't about to just barge in on a strange coven without some indication of just who they were and what they were capable of.

"Who are the Cullen's?" I asked as I sat down on what had once been an upright tree.

She sank to her knees in front of me and the most dazedly happy smile yet crossed her face. "I've _seen_ them. They live further North somewhere. Such wonderful people. But I could only see them when I could see you. So obviously, I can't go there without you."

Was she asking for my permission to fulfill whatever the future had in store for her? Or did she understand me better than I thought? No coven in their right mind would ever accept me. They just had to look at me to see that I would probably get angry and kill one of them some day. "Who says they would welcome us? They could just as easily kill us." I scowled. In fact, they would more than likely just kill us to save the suspense of when I might snap.

"Not the Cullen's. They're different from others like us. They're a real family, like humans have. They _love_ each other. I'm _sure_ they will be very welcoming. I've even been hunting like them, practicing." She said, naively confident as always.

But practicing hunting? What kind of bizarre hunting rituals did these people have? There had been times, when Maria had gotten carried away and created too many Newborns at once, when I'd had to take them out hunting in a pack. I had liked the fluidity of it, how it was almost like commanding an invasion, like a perfectly oiled machine, until the killing had started and I had had to feel the terror of more than my own prey. But I found it difficult to see how Alice could have been practicing something like that on her own. "Practicing?" I asked.

"Um, well, yes. The Cullen's only hunt . . . animals." She said nervously.

If she had slapped me, I would have been less astounded as I felt myself slipping off my makeshift bench. Was I an idiot? For almost a century, I'd been suffering with the emotions of my victims and the thought to try alternate food sources had never occurred to me. No, it couldn't be possible. . . could it? She had to be lying.

I grabbed her face, examining it and her emotions for any sign of falsehood, but I could find nothing. "Really, Alice? That can be done?" I finally demanded. Surely it was impossible. But was that, perhaps, the reason why her eyes were amber instead of crimson? No, it had to be impossible. But she nodded! And she was sincere, I could feel it in every bone of her body. She had been living on animals and these Cullen's lived on animals. It was possible. And I would learn to do it too. "Then yes. I will go with you to these Cullen's." I said with a determined smile. I would feed from animals. If she could do it, I was sure I could too.

She shrieked in exultant excitement as she shot to her feet and danced around. She reminded me of a child as I rose to my feet in a much more dignified fashion. And then she danced over and hugged me, chanting "Thank you." over and over again as she kissed both my cheeks.

I felt the second the gesture lost its innocence, felt the sudden surge of lust and love and determination as her eyes fluttered shut and she began to raise her lips to mine. For one moment of blissful insanity, I was tempted to let it happen. For one moment, I was tempted to let her have me, if only so I could enjoy the physical contact.

But that was what Jasper of Monterrey would have done and I wasn't that man anymore. And the utter travesty of letting her love me, of leading her on, was unbearable. So I stopped it. I stopped her and pushed her away from me. "No, Alice. You're fighting a losing battle there." I said firmly.

I was expecting hurt from her. I was expecting pouting and the sad imitation of tears that our kind could manage. But she smiled at me mischievously and tapped her temple instead. "Maybe you're fighting a losing battle, Jasper Whitlock."

I rolled my eyes at her and smothered the groan that almost escaped. I would have to get used to that; to the way she knew more than was obvious. Except in that matter. In that matter, in the matter of her being my mate, she was absolutely wrong. "I'm ready to leave whenever you are. There's nothing holding me here." Wherever here was.

She smiled sadly and a creeping wave of pity fluttered past me. I bit back my instinctive angry response to the emotion. She didn't know I could feel it. "I know." She murmured before turning away from me. "Northward, then, sir?"

I took a deep breath. Everything was going to change now. But it couldn't really get worse. I'd already hit rock bottom. "I think so, ma'am."


	3. Chapter 3

Wow.

I got ahead of myself a bit and missed this chapter. Sorry. I was already to work this morning before I realized my mistake. So here is the one I missed, which is one of my favorites so far and I hope you all enjoy it.

Also, I'm still going to recommend that you all read The Long Road Home; The Journey of Alice and Jasper by J. Anne Brown. It's excellently written and you wont be disappointed, I promise.

That all being said, thank you all for reading and I apologize for my hair-brainedness and will pay closer attention in the future when I upload my chapters.

Allora

* * *

_For shame on you  
Who cares about me anyway  
I don't mind you  
It'd mean so much if you'd just save me  
Save me_

_All the fear and all the cares of the world  
Never forced themselves into my arms  
It was your fear that helped me  
Your fear that got me to move  
Straight from your heart into their sight_

Fear – Evans Blue

As much as I'd loved criticizing Peter about going soft, I had let myself get weak. My self-righteous plan of abstinence had made me weak. I was slow. I was fatigued. I was just generally exhausted. But I would be damned if I let her see that. I forced my usual casual grace as I kept pace with her. All the same, I was thoroughly grateful when we came upon a clearing and she disappeared into the tall grass with a happy laugh.

When I came across where she had come to rest in the grass, I had to resist from taking her as my own. She looked exquisite with her eyes closed and the setting sun casting shadows against the contours of her face. And the way her dress only fell to just below her knees, leaving her shapely calves exposed. . . Women hadn't dressed like that when I'd been human and in Mexico, most people wanted to cover as much as they could, if only to keep hidden their scars. But not Alice . . .

_Quit being an idiot, Jasper. You don't deserve anyone._

I sat down, stiffly, sure to keep as much distance between myself and her as possible without it seeming unnecessarily rude. But my eyes were still glued to her until she opened her eyes and I felt her all consuming doubt.

"Jasper," She began quietly and I relished the sound of my name on her lips. I had never noticed the way anyone else had said my name, but the way she said it was infinitely better. "Do you like me?" She asked and I was brought crashing back to reality. What could I say to that? That I'd just been imagining what it would be like to ravish her before I'd thought better of it? Of course I liked her, but she couldn't know that. It was _wrong_.

"Don't start that." I grumbled.

She sighed discontentedly and her lips turned into a frown. "No, I meant . . . you don't . . . not like me, do you?" She asked meekly. I could feel her mingled hope and doubt and knew instinctively that if I said yes it would irrevocably break her. And _that_ was a thought I couldn't bear to even consider. So I told her the truth, though I thought it ought to have been obvious. After all, I wouldn't have just upped and ran off with a stranger if I hadn't found their company at least bearable.

"Of course I don't not like you. I'm here, with you, aren't I? You create far too intoxicating of a climate for me to do anything but like you." I snorted then froze as a wave of shock shot through me. Had I done that? Had I just revealed my gift to her? She'd told me about her gift, I tried to remind myself. But it didn't really count if she'd never considered it a secret.

"Climate?" She asked and I could feel the pique in her interest.

Now what? I could lie and make up something or I could say nothing at all. Or I could . . . trust her and tell her the truth. The possibility was strangely heady and intoxicating. I had never shared my secret with anyone of my own choice. Both Maria and Peter had eventually just figured it out on their own. But to trust someone of my choosing with my secret was . . . exciting. If she could be trusted. But I felt nothing but curiosity from her. No scheming, no ambition for dominance or ownership. She was just curious. But what about the suspicion that always came afterwards? No, I would deal with it then.

"I'm an empath and you're a very happy person. I like it." I answered truthfully.

And there it was. Doubt and . . . consternation? That made no sense. She wasn't angry or suspicious that I had been controlling her emotions. She was just a little upset that I could? I had to laugh at it. "That's it?" I asked. "I tell you I can turn you into a raging force of nature and all I get is consternation?"

She smiled at me playfully. "I'm already a force of nature."

I snorted and flopped back into the grass to look up at the sky next to her. It felt nice to trust, and it was only Alice who could have made me do it. Something about her blatant rejection of everything I knew to be normal had drawn me in. "I can't argue with that."

We lay in silence for a few minutes as I felt her churning hesitation and longing and interest. Finally she broke the silence, which might have been comfortable except for the fact that I could feel her every emotion. "Will you tell me about yourself, Jasper?" She asked softly.

I glared up at the puffy clouds above us. Yes, it felt nice, but she wanted to know _this_? What I was, what I had done for Maria, was probably the only thing short of outright attacking her that would drive her away. No, she couldn't know what I was. "I don't have a happy story. And with your . . . fixation with me, I don't think you should know more about me, regardless." I finished grumpily, reminding myself again that I could never allow myself to influence her life more than taking her to meet the Cullen's. There was no need to get over-attached on either of our parts.

"Is it so wrong that . . . traveling companions should know a bit about each other?" She asked as every word oozed of her discontent and disapproval.

I smirked when I felt them and held back my laughter. It was strange to have someone want to know me. But I wasn't about to tell her that you could go into any city in Mexico and find someone who knew my name, and probably someone I had killed. I wasn't about to tell her that I was one of the most feared and loathed vampires of the Southern Wars. I wasn't about to tell her that I had probably killed more vampires than she'd met in her entire life. No, I wasn't about to tell her that. No matter how determined she was.

"Then tell me about yourself first, ma'am. If you're so eager to learn my story, you ought to be willing to share yours, shouldn't you?" I urged, if only to distract her. I had absolutely no intention of telling her about myself.

She frowned and sat up, leaving her back to me as she drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them. I felt a wave of sorrow hit me. I instantly regretted asking her. No doubt she didn't have much of a happy story either. But she told me anyway.

"I don't have a story. I don't remember being human. My first memories . . . I woke up like this. I didn't know who or what I was. On the inside of my dress there was a tag with my name on it. 'This garment belongs to: Mary Alice Brandon'. There was nothing else. Nothing I could remember of myself. I didn't even know what I looked like." She lamented and the immense volume of her sadness threatened to drown me. I hated the way her sorrow felt. I tried to tell myself that it was because I didn't like the way it felt, not because I didn't like to see her suffer, that I forcibly calmed her. Either way, I found myself sending waves of peace and serenity at her.

"Yours was the first face I saw. At first, I didn't understand what was happening. I was terrified that I had somehow teleported myself somewhere. It was bad enough that I already didn't know where or what I was, but at that moment I didn't know where I was going either.

"But then the vision faded and I was exactly where I had been before. I received other visions in the next few days, mostly of you, but some were of the Cullen's. Some were of you with me with the Cullen's. I knew I had to find you. I knew it was a diner that I would find you at. So I traveled, waiting in every diner I could find. Thousands of diners, Jasper. You have no idea how much I was starting to loath the sights and smells of the places. They were all the same, smelled the same, looked the same." Then she smiled triumphantly. "And then you showed up. You walked through the door, exactly how I had seen you walk through the door thousands of times."

I felt like an ass. This incredibly innocent girl had spent her entire existence looking for me. She had only ever known me, and I was thinking about turning her away without even telling her why. Even now I could feel her all-to-potent sorrow and self-pity through the thin veil of my calm. She had to understand why I couldn't have her, so she couldn't blame herself, which I was sure she would try to do. So I did the one thing I'd had absolutely no intention of doing a mere five minutes ago.

"In 1861, I joined the Confederate Army." I began, trying to plan how I would tell this to her without her running in shocked horror from me as I glared at the too-happy looking clouds above me. "I advanced through the ranks very quickly. I became a Major." These details were more or less unimportant. My human life was irrelevant to the crimes I had commit as a vampire, but it seemed like a good place to start, nonetheless. "I was on my way from Houston to Galveston when I came across three women. They were very beautiful to me, then. One of them, the smallest, sent the other two away. Her name was Maria, she's the one who changed me." I vastly edited the way she had seduced me or the three days of excruciating agony I had lived through as her venom coursed through my veins, slowly killing me but making me stronger. If she couldn't remember that, I wasn't about to remind her.

"Is she the reason you don't like that my name is Mary?" She asked, and I could feel her self-pity turn to insecurity and doubt.

Why did she care what I thought? But I smiled reassuringly at her. "It's foolish, but yes." And it was foolish. She was nothing like Maria. She had nothing of Maria's hellbent drive for control and domination. Nothing of Maria's blood lust. Nothing of Maria's demand. I ignored my reasoning. I still liked Alice better than Mary. I continued my story as I glared at the clouds again. I'd been so naive in the beginning. So clueless.

"At the time, I didn't realize that there was more that one war raging in the South. Maria was putting together an army of newborn vampires. A highly skilled, highly trained army of vampires. My _ability_ proved useful for keeping the others in check so she eventually put me in charge of them. She had no choice, really. I was very good at what she wanted us to do. I was killing her soldiers faster than she could make them." There, I'd given her the first hint of what I was capable of.

"We retook Monterrey, Maria's home city, easily. Too easily. It made her greedy. We took other cities. We expanded our territories, mercilessly, until our allies turned on us. We were pushed back to Monterrey." I edited massively. There was no need to explain to her the very vivid scenes of battle I could remember of this period of my life. There was no need to give her a detailed description of the way the fires had smelled, choking out every other scent. No need to tell her how it was best to hide behind the smoking remains of someone who had once been your comrade in order to launch a surprise attack on your enemy and in order to save the precious seconds starting another fire to dispose of the body would waste. No, she didn't need to know these things. But she did need to know something horrifying. Something that would make her think better of her blind trust in her visions.

"We managed to hold onto the city, barely. We kept an army in reserve but it had to be . . . replaced every year. Maria would seek out new candidates. It was my job to dispose of the old, those who had outgrown their usefulness." I confessed.

There, that did it, I thought bitterly as her hands flew to her mouth to stifle her gasp of horror. I tried to ignore the sudden stab in my heart when I thought of her thinking badly of me. But I could hardly take back what I had just said. "You see now, Alice, don't you? You see the monster I am?" I groaned as I closed my eyes and tried to banish the image of her horror struck face.

"But you left." She persisted and I was astounded by her all-encompassing faith in _me_, not her visions. For all she knew, I could have been cast out or working for Maria still. But instead she thought the best of me.

"Yes, I left. Two newborns escaped. One of them had been my friend. He returned a few years later to tell me about the new life he had. The way life was away from the wars of the South." I grumbled. The gratitude I felt for Peter taking the time and risk to come back for me did not outweigh my outrage at his blatant misuse of authority and attack on me. "I left with them, without even telling Maria I was going. She was going to turn on me anyway."

Her worry wasn't that out of place. If I were her, I'd probably be worried too, worried that Maria might send people after me, worried that I might hurt her, worried that she might have made a mistake after all.

"But weren't you traveling with your friends before you met me? Wont they miss you?" She asked.

No, that was probably one of the last things I would have worried about if I were her. I almost laughed at her. "No. I haven't been with Peter and Charlotte for months. It didn't feel -"

I cut off as something altogether foreign and familiar crossed my emotional sensors. A third aura exhibiting the kind of violence and mindlessness I hadn't felt since leaving Mexico. A newborn. I was on my feet and dragging her behind me before even fully considering my options. I would protect Alice, if only because she was the first person I'd ever met to have faith in just . . . goodness. She didn't deserve to be scarred by this kind of brutality.

I let out a growl of frustration as I faced the way my intruder would emerge. I scented him moments later, smelling of human blood and the faint, lingering scent that I knew came with burning vampires.

"We don't know that they mean us any harm." Alice said softly behind me as she put her hand gently on my shoulder as though to restrain me.

Leave it to Alice to assume the best of people. I knew our intruder meant harm. But for her sake I would let her see for herself. I stood up out of my offensive crouch but I didn't relax. I would grant the stranger the first move, just so Alice would see that the world was a dangerous place.

He burst through the underbrush across the clearing from us and froze as he saw us and finally picked up our scents. A surge of lust and the desire to dominate and hurt rose in him the moment he laid eyes on Alice. If things went badly here, Alice would suffer. Not that I had any desire not to destroy him. I snarled to bring his attention back to me. There was the fear and trepidation I was used to.

"Jasper, he could be a friend." She chided. I ignored her this time. There was no way this man could be a friend as he approached us warily. In fact, there was no way I was going to leave him alive long enough to become a friend if he continued to approach. No, the only way I would have let him live is if he had turned around and fled at the sight of us.

"You're in my territory." He hissed angrily at me.

"We're just passing through." Alice said quickly, conceding dominance to him immediately.

"This land has never been claimed." I growled, attempting to salvage the conversation.

"_I _claim it." The man professed. "I claimed it when I killed my maker."

"Then we'll be on our way." Alice said meekly. Really, how had she survived this long? Everyone knew you could only do two things when you trespassed against someone. Submit or die. As I had no intention of doing the first, which he damn well knew judging by the steadily increasing hostility of his emotions, then it was going to come to a fight.

"He wont let us be on our way, Alice. He wants to kill us." I hissed harshly. "Just like all newborns, he's driven by the illogical need to kill everything in sight."

I got the satisfaction of watching the surprise cross his face before he launched himself at me. He had little choice, really. I don't know if I would have let him go in peace by now anyway. Of course, he was going to have to do a lot better than a direct charge at me. I skipped out of the way and lashed out at him, forcing him back a step as I caught a satisfactory glimpse of Alice standing rigidly motionless in fear.

He danced to the right and I cut him off before he could come between Alice and myself. I knew what he was doing. He was testing me. It was exactly what I would have done if I were in his position. Of course, I would have known better than to attack a man who was trying to protect his mate.

_She's not your mate, Jasper_.

That's right, she wasn't my mate, it would just look like that to an outsider. We were just . . . traveling companions. I squashed the distaste my own thoughts had created. I would never have risked my life for a 'traveling companion'. No, the old Jasper wouldn't have. Jasper of Monterrey wouldn't have. But maybe this Jasper would. Or I was fooling myself and letting myself get attached to her.

The newborn charged at me, my momentary distraction costing me precious ground. Fighting came so naturally to me that I rarely had to bend all my thought to it. But I was trying to protect Alice. I was trying to keep her innocent and unmarred. I needed to focus. I needed to concentrate. I needed to end this.

I felt Alice's frantic spike in fear and panic a fraction of a second before I saw her launch herself at the newborn, landing effortlessly on the man's back. What the hell did she think she was doing? And then she ruthlessly and efficiently sank her teeth into the tender skin of the newborn's neck and decapitated him.

I could see it in her face, feel it in her emotions, she had no idea what she'd just done. That she'd been capable to doing it. She didn't try to extricate herself from the dead limbs of the newborn as it fell to the ground. When the blatant shock hadn't left her eyes in two seconds, I went to her and pulled her into my arms.

"Are you mad?" I demanded, frustratedly. Did she have any concept of how dangerous what she'd just done was? "You could have been hurt or killed." I fumed as I looked her over. She looked completely unharmed however, physically, though I could still feel her surreal shock.

"But you would have been hurt." She croaked as she slowly started coming back to reality. Then she imitated snipping my right hand off with two of her fingers. She'd put herself in danger to save _me_? Of all the unworthy reasons to put herself in danger, that was probably at the top of the list. Of course, she probably thought it was one of the best reasons to risk life and limb. And I had to admit, she had moved admirably. The way she had landed and gone straight to business, as though with practiced efficiency, had been perfectly executed, despite the fact that that aftermath had proven otherwise. It came to her naturally. My natural, little killer.

I almost smirked, "And I thought I was a monster." I teased. In Mexico, it had been rare to find newborns with such a natural aptitude at killing. Only those who possessed it had any hope of surviving for longer than a year. Peter had had it. As had I, apparently. And so did Alice. Deadly little Alice, who would have thought?

As much as I would have loved to stand there admiring her, there were other things that needed to be done here before we could leave. It had happened to me once, dismemberment without being burned. Once I'd managed to put myself back together, I'd been so blindingly furious that I'd spent almost a month rigorously seeking out the men who had harmed me. I wouldn't risk the newborn coming after Alice.

What came next came naturally to me. In fact, I usually wouldn't have left it this long. The dismemberment and burning of an enemy was common, but I could feel Alice's disgust and exasperation, so I finished my task as quickly as possible.

"Is all this necessary?" She whined and I could see the way she was sickened by the blackened pieces of the newborn in front of her. Did she think I was being unnecessarily cruel? Did she think this was something I enjoyed doing?

"Yes. Unless you want him to put himself back together and hunt us down." I scowled, moodily tossing the last piece into the fire. I felt her responding mixture of surprise and fear and nervousness and realized that she hadn't known. She hadn't know the force it took to kill one of us, but she'd still jumped in and tried to help me.

I hated the way her fear felt. It was almost like a taste under my tongue and I hated that I was the one who had shown her these things. I should have thought. I should have simply fled with her before the newborn had caught sight of us. I hated the way that already I was starting to strip away her naive innocence.

I forced away her fear and replaced it with calm and peace as I pulled her into a one-armed hug. "Thank you." I muttered as I swallowed down my pride. Gratitude was a tough emotion for me to come by, but she had saved me from what would most likely have been a couple days of enraged agony by the end of which I would have wanted to resurrect the newborn only so I could kill him again. She deserved my thanks.

And of course the gesture was misinterpreted. I felt her comfort, her _love, _for me and almost groaned. What the hell had I done to deserve this trust from her? She breathed in deeply and I felt her love become tinged with a dash of lust, for me, scarred and damaged as I was. I thought she must not have come across that many potential mates before, because anyone who could be lusting after me needed to get their eyes checked. But it felt nice to be the center of positive attention for once, and she had just saved me from a lot of pain, so I let her be in peace. Tomorrow I'd have to put down boundaries. Tomorrow I'd have to tell her in no uncertain terms just what we could and couldn't be. Tomorrow.

It wasn't until now that I realized I hadn't even once secretly considered letting the newborn finish me. I had not once yearned for the death that had been denied from me for so long. But only because Alice would have suffered if I'd failed, I told myself. That was the only reason. I would still have to reject her tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

AN:

So, this is the itsy chapter that I uploaded by accident ahead of schedule. And, I think some of you might have missed the last chapter in the confusion. And for those who did read this chapter already, it has been altered a little from the last version because I wasn't happy with Jasper's lack of awareness with emotions and neither were some of you.

So, thanks to all my readers for being patient with me and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

~Allora

* * *

_Would you love a monsterman?  
Could you understand beauty of the beast?  
I would do it all for you, _

_would you do it all,  
do it all for me? _

Would You Love a Monsterman – Lordi

She was pushing me, she had to be. She had to be testing me. That had to be the reason she didn't stop running for nearly two days. But she wasn't feeling the least bit superior or competitive. She was, however, nervous and every once in a while I would feel a wave of her disgust. Had disposing of the newborn really disturbed her this much? I had barely thought of it.

But of course, she wasn't used to it. She hadn't learned to survive the way I had. She hadn't learned that our longevity depended solely upon whether or not you were able to kill your opponent before they killed you. No doubt she thought she was flawlessly immortal. No doubt she thought all of our kind enjoyed her many years. I swallowed back my bitterness before I let it seep into her. It wasn't her fault.

She stopped suddenly, collapsing into the snow a step ahead of me. She spread her arms and legs twice before sitting up and examining her surroundings. I stared at the depression she'd made in the snow; an angel. In Mexico, the stained-glass windows in all the Churches had been abundant with similar figures. But none of them had looked as lovely as Alice's with her beautiful pixie-like face passively taking in the jagged coastline ahead of us.

I sank into the snow next to her, careful not to ruin her snow angel, as I focused on dissipating the ache in my muscles and the hellfire in my throat. No, the physical exertion didn't help my thirst in the least. But when I'd watched her throw herself on that bull moose earlier, I'd hardly been able to suppress my disgust. And that was just at the thought of what _she_ was ingesting. It had nothing to do with the cow she'd expected me to pounce on after she was done. How could she stand it?

"Do you want to cross it or go around?" I asked, nodding at the Hudson's Bay stretching icily out in front of us.

"Around, I think. I need to look at the Cullen's more closely. And you need to feed. Your eyes are black as coal." She answered, laying her hand on my arm comfortingly. She must have read my mind, or my suffering was so obvious that even she could pick it up.

"I don't think I have enough control to do it your way." I muttered self-depreciatingly as I took out my anger on a snow ball I'd just created. "I'll just end up in whatever town is nearest." And I didn't _want_ to this time. I didn't want to disappoint her. I wanted to be able to do this her way. But I still couldn't stomach the revulsion I had felt as I'd watched her drain the moose.

"If you . . . need to." She whispered reluctantly. But I could feel the insincerity of it. She wouldn't be okay with it if I came back crimson eyed. She wouldn't be okay with it if I didn't even try. And, quite honestly, neither would I. What was the point of following her blindly if I wasn't even going to attempt this?

Her head snapped up suddenly and my instincts kicked in before I could examine the threat as I leaped to my feet. "What is it?"

She simply pointed out over the ice, "Take the bear. Unless you don't think you can?" She goaded. This time, I knew for certain she was testing me. She had the same look in her eye Maria always had when she'd set me a task. A look that had promised just reward for successful completion of the task.

I glared at the thought. This wasn't Maria. This was Alice. And the kinds of rewards I was thinking of were probably the last thing _she _was thinking of. Nonetheless, I turned on my heel and marched out on the ice to the bear. As I drew closer, with every step, I found myself trying to convince myself that the bear did smell more human. Who was I trying to kid? No, the bear didn't smell at all like I was used to. It didn't smell at all like a human. But it did smell a hell of a lot better than the moose.

And there was something exhilarating about hunting it, I thought, as I lowered into a crouch. There was something a bit exciting about hunting something that was just as instinctual as I was. There was something exciting about hunting something that was sure to fight back. Something that was . . . blissfully emotionless.

I forced myself on it, plunging my teeth into it's throat, as I reveled in the way I couldn't _feel_ anything. I could taste it, and it was hot and wet, but altogether the wrong flavor. All the same, it was bearable. It wasn't repulsive and I was able to get it down. It was better than I was expecting, to say the least. But it definitely wasn't as good as human blood. And thanks to my perfect recall, I could remember every detail of just what I was missing

When it was dead, when there was nothing left to the pile of fur and claws and teeth that I wanted, I straightened up and returned to Alice, who was smiling at me radiantly. I could feel her pride and joy, but they irked me. As though she'd doubted I'd be able to manage it. "Happy?" I growled.

She studied my face for half a second before answering. "No."

"There wont be any polar bears left if you're waiting on me to be fully satiated." I grumbled. "It doesn't -"

"I know, Jasper." She cut me off quickly. "It's not the same. But it's better than senselessly murdering people. Or at least, I think it is."

I wouldn't have thought it was in her. I wouldn't have thought such a low blow was in her character. But there it was. If I didn't agree with her, I was a homicidal maniac. "I don't like being a murderer, Alice. It's not as though I enjoy it." I all but hissed at her.

"I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." And she didn't. I knew she didn't, I could feel it. She hadn't meant to belittle my struggle, but she had, all the same. "Go get one more. Then I'll be happy. And I'll hopefully know better where we're going by the time you get back."

I'd been dismissed. I wanted to argue with her about it. I wanted to demand just from where she'd come up with the authority to order me to do anything, let alone the authority to govern my hunting practices. But I had the foresight enough to know I'd just end up sounding foolish and childish. Reluctantly, I trudged away to do her bidding.

I let my senses take over as I entered the trees. I had no idea where to find another one. I had never in my life been this far north before, and even if I had, polar bear locations would not have been something I would have been paying attention to.

I was tempted, for a moment, to simply hang around for a bit before returning to her and telling her that I'd found one. She'd never know it wasn't the truth. Except I would know. And I also knew that I would have kicked any belligerent newborn to try a stunt like that's ass into next week. So instead, I focused on what the bear had smelled like and took off at a jog through the trees. Bears liked trees, didn't they?

I had gone almost an hour without any sign of anything, except a moose that had made me want to wretch and a few deer who smelled even less appealing than the moose had. I almost wished I had asked her to come with me. But my pride would never have allowed it. Really, how hard could it be? It was the search for sustenance, after all. It was instinctual, more or less.

And then I caught the scent that scalded my throat and reminded me just how thirsty I was. I was off, feet moving gracefully over the uneven ground, as I closed in on my prey. I almost stopped, almost . . . no, that was a lie. I didn't so much as pause as I burst into the front yard of the secluded farmhouse. I was, however, surprised when I saw it. What kind of people have a house way out in the middle of nowhere?

But the surprise was nowhere near enough to make me stop. The door was still open as I began streaking across the yard. An old woman was putting her cat out for the night. She saw me a moment before I got to her and let out a terrified scream before I clamped my hand over her mouth and sank my teeth into her thin skin. The blood was old and heavily medicated, but it still slaked the fire burning in my throat.

There was shouting now and the distinct sound of a child crying as I felt the last drops of the womans blood escape her body. The air was thick with fear and anger, it felt almost suffocating, pressing in at me from every side, but I couldn't stop. It tasted so _good_ even if it made my skin crawl with self-loathing. I felt dirty from the press of emotions around me, terror, fear, anger, disgust, despair. Each of them coated onto me like a layer of grime on my skin. I ignored the emotions as best as I could as I glutted myself on the old woman's blood, ending her aged life. And then there was a shot, the deafening crack of noise that usually heralded death. I felt the bullets impact as I turned around, felt the tiny metal casings compact against the granite of my chest before I fell upon the old man who still had the rifle clenched within his shaking hands. His blood pooled into my mouth, much the same as the old woman's; thin and heavily medicated.

That was when I saw the boy. His cries had fallen silent and he was watching me with stark horror on his face. He was young, but not a toddler. I guessed he was maybe nine years old, but I wasn't good at aging humans. It mattered very little to me anyway. What was important, was that he had young, strong, untainted blood in his veins.

I stared at the boy. I needed him. I swallowed the venom pooling in my mouth as it mixed with the last of the old man's blood. As the old man's body began to slump lifelessly, the boy took a slow, cautious step back. Then another. Then he turned his back on me and ran his terror piqued to an all time high. No doubt I was a monster from his nightmares.

I dropped the old man's corpse, it fell with a muffled thump on the thick carpet before racing after the boy. I caught him as he fumbled with the lock on the back door and sank my teeth into his shoulder, groaning with the ecstasy of the taste. Young, strong, innocent blood. And the scent of the boy overpowered me, like dirt and grass stains and worms.

Then . . .

It was a full minute later that I realized what I'd done. Staring down at the bloodless corpse of the boy, I was hit by a wave of guilt so strong it brought me to my knees. I'd failed her. I'd failed Alice. She'd set me the simplest of tasks and I'd failed. Miserably. I had hardly even tried. I _should_ have been able to stop myself. I _should_ have thought about what I was doing.

But it was the hunt. It was what I was made for. It was what I had done for nearly a century. And I had never met a vampire before in my life that was able to cut off mid-hunt unless their life was in danger. And mine most certainly hadn't been. I poked miserably at the hole in my shirt the bullet had left. No, I'd never been in even the slightest bit of peril. I was just a mindless animal when it came to my food. I always had been.

I couldn't go back to her now. Couldn't bear the look of disgust that would be in her eyes. I didn't want to see her anger. I didn't want to see the way I'd let her down. And I wasn't even thinking about why I cared so much what she thought. I just didn't want her to see me like this. But maybe I _should_. Maybe I should go back to her. Maybe I should let her see just how unfixable I was. Maybe I should let her know just how much of a lost cause I was.

And some part of me wanted to hear her angry words. Some part of me, the part of me that had been trying to push her away from the beginning, wanted to see her disgust and loathing. That part of me wanted to see her disappointment and the realization that she had been wrong about me all along.

That's why I got up. That's why I went back. So she could see how weak I was. So she could do the hard part and pull out of whatever it was that was springing up between us, before it got out of hand. Because I was too much of a coward to do it myself.


End file.
